A Bible College Student Who Never Belonged

"To start off, I always had a struggle with my father as to not being there my whole life. When I was born he was not at the hospital. He came later, but not in the beginning. As well I'm the youngest of 2 children. When my sister was born, my mother felt whatever she got was a blessing but my father wanted a boy. When my father found out she was a girl, my grandfather told my father that he needed to change for the next one. That he had better have a boy. So when I was born, my grandfather cursed my father for having a girl. I know that's the reason why my dad is like he is today.

"Anyway, I knew the story, but had not really known how it could affect me spiritually. But in the teaching on conception and birth you talked about feelings of being a burden, having friends but never feeling like you belonged, trying hard to please people, afraid of failure... Stuff like that, and it was totally me. I've always had friends, strong christian friends at that. The church loved me, I had mentors, But I never knew the root of my problem, of why I feel the way I felt. My mom always told me that I would grow out of it (she's not a christian), so she could never understand how my spirit was so down.

"But then when you asked us to stand if that was us, I stood up and wept. I couldn't really understand what I was feeling. But then you said "I want you to think about the day of your birth, but imagine Jesus was there and what he had to say." I was blown away. I have never in my life heard God's voice so clear, so strong. He said "I WANTED A GIRL." After that I felt totally at peace.

I knew what I had to do. So a few weeks ago I talked to my dad, and just forgave him, told him how I felt without holding blame upon him. He hasn't replied yet, but it's OK, Gods got control now, not me.

"Psalms 139 talks about how God has known us from the womb, he created us. So my life is totally surrendered to him, not anyone else. I look at my dating relationships and think, wow, I hadn't realized that all that pain caused so much of how I reacted to things. Now I'm just finding who I am, and not seeking for anything but God, and I can actually do it this time...Praise God. "

Sincerely K.